Pondering on death, nature and eternal perspectives

In environmental biology, death is necessary in order to maintain population equilibrium when there is too much of one specie, it throws the whole system off. For example too many eagles in a population could kill off all of the frogs in an area and the area would be overrun with mosquitos and other flying insects because the frogs aren't there to keep their population in check. Death is a primary means of controlling population and maintaining that equilibrium. This then ties into the idea of "survival of the fittest," in order for populations to thrive, the weakest (often the young, old and sickly) need to not stand in the way of the overall population being healthy. If that means picking up and moving 2,000 miles, the weak are not able to make that trek, and they die either before the trip or along the way.

In that way, I do not think that death is a mistake of nature when all of the species of the natural world depend on a finite number of resources. The earth would not be able to provide for everyone and everything if everything lived forever. To maintain an eternal perspective, we must be willing to believe that this world is not all that there is. Is there an ideal place where there are enough resources to maintain life for everyone and everything without depleting those resources? Yes. Is it the earth in its state right now? No.

We do have the promise of a celestialized world where all of those concerns will not exist anymore or perhaps, we'll have been the ones to figure out the sustainable solutions rather that expect Christ to come and save us in our sins (e.g. fixing everything that we have so royally screwed up). So with that, you can find the eternal perspective of looking forward to when the earth is not limited by finite resources and have optimism that someday that ideal will be realized.

When it comes to connecting with nature, ritual and elements, while here on earth, I think it requires a healthy respect for death and an understanding of how all things work together for good. Nature is an intricate dance of interactions between species and systems. It finds a balance and has a way to correct imbalances over time. No mortal human or group of humans could work it out so well. I believe because nature is so finely tuned to work properly and that there are even good reasons for things to work improperly at times. Because of this, I believe that nature is worthy of respect and reverence. After all, without it, we could not exist. The elements are essential to our survival.

If we are to develop beyond where we are now and if we hope to turn our attentions to the things of the next world, we still have to respect and be mindful of the needs of now. I believe that as we make ourselves and our world healthier that we are more capable of learning what life has to offer us. This I believe is the intention behind of the Word of Wisdom (D&C 89).

At the same time, we are in the process of preparing to become gods (D&C 132:20). We are going to have to figure out at some point how to create and maintain worlds so life can perpetuate itself. If we are wise stewards on the earth now, we are like the servants in the parable of the talents (Matthew 25). When we are given something to start with, we are capable of turning in to something more or better than what we started with. Isn't that what is happening with us? And isn't that what we are supposed to do as gods?

I truly fear the the people who believe that it is not useful to sustain and conserve the earth are being like the servant who hides his talent. To me, its not so much a matter of replenishing the earth (because that implies taking it back to a previous state) but it is a matter of making the world better than when we started. And really, this is leading me to a new idea, that replenishing the earth may be a direction to restore the earth to its paradisiacal state in the Garden of Eden. That us humans are expected to figure out how to make that possible. I suspect that its a case "after all you can do, it is by grace you saved"(2 Nephi 25: 23) or in other words the parable of the bicycle. The little girl works and earns money to buy a bicycle but her parents pitch in the rest after she did all he could to earn the money. The Atonement works that way for us (Believing Christ: subheading Give Him All That We Have). After we put forth our best effort, do all we can and get as close as possible to attaining a seemingly (or truly) impossible goal, Christ, our Older Brother, will make up the rest of us and makes our efforts successful in attaining the goal.

In fact, I kind of have a theory that Christ will not come again until we have done as we can do to make the world as healthy and sustaining for everyone as possible. Its not until we do all we can, that he will come again and pick up where we left off.

I realize this is somewhat in contradiction to the general teachings of the Second Coming, but it is how I am finding a way to continue caring about this life. The ethical, right, good, praiseworthy choice seems to be working to make the world a better place through comforting those who stand in need of comfort and mourning with those who mourn. Often that can be done by working to prevent the situations where mourning is necessary (as in the case of infant mortality or unemployment). There is much much good that we can do in this world, and it makes no sense to not do it.

Christ's Birth

I found this tonight which I think is interesting:

December 8th: Immaculate Conception of Maryis celebrated in many Latin countries as, according to Catholic doctrine, the day of the conception of the Virgin Mary. The doctrine says that God had preserved Mary from original sin, giving her his grace, the divine life of Jesus Christ.

Read more at Suite101: Winter Holidays, Celebrate December!

This is actually referring to Mary's conception and birth but my mind immediately went to thinking about Christ's conception, and Mary's pregnancy with him. Fitting as its Christmas time and all.

We know that Christ wasn't actually born at Christmas time with most scholars thinking that he was actually born early to mid-Spring. Latter-day Saints believe he was born in April. Using the date, April 6, I thought it would be very cool to know the date of his conception AND birth.

If he had been born at 40 weeks gestation exactly, he would have been conceived in mid July. Using the birthing window that many women not ever faithful in their calculated due date, He may have been born between 37 weeks to be full term and 44 weeks at the outside, meaning he could have been conceived as early as mid June or as late as early August.

Wit that, I then ponder what those last few days of Mary's pregnancy was like based on those 2 scenarios.

First, birth between 37-39 weeks:

The Mary is compelled to go to Nazareth with Joseph to pay the taxes decreed by Cyrenius and she was full-term but not quite to 40 weeks. Maybe she was 37 or 38 weeks pregnant. She hopes that on the trip the baby will not be born and she can return to her home in Galilee to give birth after the tax collecting is done.

The long, arduous, dusty and dehydrating trip caused contractions to start before her due date. As she arrives in Nazareth and they are looking for an inn, she is having contractions and they are increasing in intensity and regularity. If she were me, she'd been freaking out a little. They settle into the stable and within a few hours, Christ is born into hers or Joseph's hands.

The other scenario, birth at due date or over due:

She's past her due date like the majority of first time moms, the baby hasn't been born yet and they have to get to Nazareth to obey the decree of the governor. She hopes that either the baby will wait until after they get back or that the baby can be born before they leave. In most mother's minds, anything is better than laboring on the back of a donkey or giving birth far from home without the presence of wise women: mother, aunts, sisters and cousins. She doesn't get her wish and contractions start during the trip. She's contracting while trying to find a place to birth her baby. The stable does the job and the Christ child is born there.

Either way, my heart goes out to this young girl who gave birth far from her family and home amongst animals and hay. Maybe she was as Zen about it as she is portrayed in the scriptures, but maybe that was a very stressful and upsetting situation for her to be in. Either way, I've been in both of the situations described above. And honestly, I think the over-due scenario would be worse.

Though its not mentioned, I do guess that Mary and Joseph would have been able to locate a midwife to attend the birth if they so chose. Though perhaps it was in the day when the midwife only was called when assistance was needed after some concern or complication arose. Whether Christ's birth was attended by a midwife or unassisted is a toss-up. The unassisted birthers like to claim that Christ was an unassisted birth, so for the sake of not knowing, I won't rain on their parade.

Alright, end of birth geek mode at Christmas time, that's what you get from a midwifery student...

PTSD after childbirth: A Period of Adversity

My faith has been strengthened by my son's birth that was so traumatic for me. First I quickly realized that my experience giving birth, and the PTSD that followed was another period of adversity in my life.

I have found that generally when I make a momentous, good decision that some difficult adversity comes along to try to mess it up. I realized quickly that this was another one of those times in my life. By becoming a mother, I probably did the most important thing I'll do in my life; with the most potential to really make a difference in the world. I became responsible for a human life, and ultimately to give him the shape and direction that he needs to become a good person. One time somebody taught me that Satan doesn't try and tempt those who are aren't trying to live God's law. Satan doesn't have to try with them because they're already doing what he wants. On the other hand, those who are striving and doing right and good things with their lives, he going to work hardest on them and try to destroy and interfere with their efforts. I recognized that was occurring to me. I tend to get mad at Satan when I realize that's happening because there's no way I'm going to let the enemy of righteousness do that to me. I know its not my Father in Heaven doing it to me, but the influence of evil and the intent to cause sadness in the world.

I see Satan try to use maternity care to abuse and traumatize mothers. Providers so commonly violate a mother's right to give permission to what people are doing to her body, she is manipulated, coerced, threatened and ignored when she tries to stop it. I even see inappropriate and unnecessary use of technology and intervention during birth as "trusting in the arm of flesh" instead of trusting in God's creation and the body's ability to birth a baby safely. Interfering with the process of childbirth is, how I see it, another way that Satan interferes in the happy and healthy development of families. Families are of the utmost importance to the development and well-being of children. Heavenly Father created families because he knew thats what benefits children most--no other societal organization can do what parents do. Satan would love nothing more than to see mothers so traumatized that they commit suicide, or divorce their partners or abuse their children or fail to form healthy attachment to their children. He most especially doesn't want more people born into the world so he tries to scare mothers away from having more children.

Because I believe that God and Jesus "know the end from the beginning" I know that they know what I'm experiencing and how emotionally damaging that birth was for me. They know the wrongs committed by the staff people and understand better than I do the injustice inherent in the system. I don't believe they safe us from all suffering because everyone has their free will. There will always be people who choose to wield power in an abusive and destructive way. I was a victim of that and because I experienced it I learned that traumatic birth experiences are another destructive attack on families and God's children. I probably wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't happened to me.

But now that I have experienced it and suffered it and know it, I have 1) gained that knowledge, 2) developed empathy and compassion for mothers who have experienced similar trauma, as well as anyone who has been abused, or traumatized by a life event, 3) become more sensitive as a parent because I try not to force physically or manipulate my children when teaching them because I know how awful it feels and 4) realize that I have the opportunity to do something about it (obsessively, actually, a side effect of the PTSD). When I was seeking help in dealing with my experience, I didn't find the resources I felt I needed. But then I felt led in my searching to meet the founder of Solace, and Jennica and together we created this discussion board and are developing Solace as a advocacy and support organization for birth trauma. I believe that there is good coming out of it because it is a comfort for other mothers who have experienced birth trauma. In that way, my experience has and can help others.

I have grown very much from the experience. Not only are my work skills being improved because I'm learning how to direct a non-profit, but I've learned about the process of birth. I believe that the human body was originally created to work flawlessly. Since the introduction of less than perfect circumstance with the Fall of Adam, the body doesn't work perfectly all the time, but it works most of the time. And it works best when we trust in it and let nature do what its meant to do WITHOUT the interference of others (I think of Proverbs 3:4). Sometimes HF will guide us to those who have the skills to intervene when the process derails, but the people with those skills tend to over-inflate their value and necessity. I learned that HF wants me to take responsibility for my decisions and trust Him first and then let him guide me to know when to make use of man's knowledge and expertise. Just as any tool, it can be misused.

If you could choose

Lay aside your current beliefs. Try to be open-minded. Think critically. Be fair. Try to think like God. If God were a loving God, how would the plan go? If you were God and wanted to make a world that was fair and good and right for all people in it, how would you do it?

1. God would be....

• Male
• Female
• Neither, a spirit
• Male and female, separate beings but one in equal partnership
• Nothing, no god

2. The afterlife would be...

• Nothing, just death
• Heaven and Hell
• Levels depending on a person's relative goodness
• everyone all together, no separation from each other, like in life
• everyone is "saved" and is happy

3. Marriage and families after death would be...

• 'til death do you part, not with your spouse and children from the earth
• forever, with your spouse and children from life if you chose to remain with him/her
• can be forever if you have a shared affinity with each other

4. Ordinances/ sacraments (baptism, etc) are...

• optional for salvation
• required for salvation
• not necessary for salvation
• nice ceremonies and have nothing to do with salvation

5. Any ordinances...

• must be done in this life
• are not necessary in the life
• can be done on behalf of a person if they were unable to obtain them in this life

6. God's church on the earth should be led by:

• paid clergy who pursue church leadership as a career
• a person or people who decide to start their own religion
• apostles, prophets called by God
• people elected from the church body

7. The purpose of life is...

• a joke
• meaningless
• to be good to others and be happy and then we die
• to worship God
• to become like God

8. The effects of sin (wrongdoing)...

• are limited to this life
• demand justice so therefore cannot be forgiven
• repentance is possible through one's own efforts
• repentance requires an intermediary to take away the effects of sin
• there is no sin

9. The end result of all this is...

• a world that comes to its end through laws of nature
• people who have lived on the earth obtain God's knowledge and power
• people worship God forever as angels
• people become one with God by their spirits combining
• nothingness

10. Revelation and miracles...

• are no longer necessary
• are only for church leaders
• are available to anyone who asks in faith
• are only for God's chosen people
• are not real

11. The best church to join is....

• a source of community and a place to share spirituality
• people's best attempt at recreating the church that Christ set up
• whichever you feel most comfortable in
• God's vehicle for communicating his will and organizing his kingdom on the earth
• there's no such thing

12. Christ was/is...

• a wise teacher
• a heretic who claimed to be God
• a false prophet
• who he says he is

13. God is...

• a general sense of goodness, love and beauty that permeates everything
• angry and vengeful
• the perfect parent
• a benign presence in the universe

14. Christ's suffering and death was...

• a blood sacrifice
• the result of his delusions
• vicarious suffering for the effects of our sins so we could be free of them
• unimportant to the world and to us as individuals

15. People can act in God's name:

• whenever they feels like it
• when church leaders give them that authority
• when God inspires them to act
• when God confers that authority on them

If you chose:

• God should be male and female
• where a person goes in the afterlife depends on a person's relative goodness,
• families can be together forever
• God has instituted some essential ordinances for salvation but provides a way for them to be accomplished if they are not obtained in this life
• God's church on the earth should be led by apostles and prophets
• the purpose of life is to become like God
• repentance from sin is possible with an intermediary
• people who have lived on the earth gain God's knowledge and power (thereby becoming like God)
• revelation and miracles are available to all those who ask in faith
• the best church to join is led and directed by God
• Christ is who he says he is and that his suffering and death was an act performed vicariously for each person on the earth to have the spiritual effects of his/her sins taken away
• God is the perfect parent and gives people power to act in God's name like a parent who gives their child responsibility and they learn.

Then, you would probably be very interested to know that these doctrines are taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If you have questions about the LDS Church answered at mormon.org or by contacting the local LDS missionaries at LDS church buildings on Sundays.

I found that this set of doctrines and beliefs were unique to the LDS Church (often called Mormon) and was impressed at the fairness and completeness of their teachings. I felt like everyone was covered and if a person (like the many billions who have lived) had not learned and accepted the gospel, and had the correct ordinances performed, that they would not be lost or condemned to hell, not having had the chance to accept or reject it. To me, the LDS teachings are more logical and rational than what I had learned elsewhere; example: if God is our father and is male, don't we have a mother too?

When I was thinking about Christian churches, I felt that the right church for me had to possess certain beliefs that provided a means for salvation for all people. This list of questions is my attempt at summarizing the different views that are present in the world on the variety of topics I listed. It is by no means exhaustive. If you have want to add a topic to the list and have my suggest the various dominant world views on that topic, please suggest it to me in the comments.

Finding Parallels in Polythesism: The Legend of Ni'auepo'o

I have been exploring the world of polytheism lately. I'm testing a hypothesis that the various gods/goddesses of ancient cultures can give insight into certain aspects and characteristics of the God I recognize and worship. I'm just getting started on this and the first culture I turned to was from ancient Hawai'i.

In reading from the book "Folktales of Hawaii" by Mary Kawena Pukui, I last night read The Legend of Ni'auepo'o, a boy whose father moves away when he is very young. His father gives him some items to bring with him so the father will recognize his son when he goes to seek for his father. When the time comes for the boy to find his father, he chooses to not bring the items and gets there in another, magical way. His father does not recognize him, is angry and killed his son for being an impostor. When the son returns from the dead, the father is told by the prophets of his village that the man standing before him claiming to be his son is indeed his son. The father repents by preparing an offering for an ancestor-god and accepts his son.

Legends, stories and allegories are fascinating and as I ponder this legend more, the more I begin to learn from it. And that's just with my cultural background, and not being schooled in much Hawaiian culture.

I see a parallel between Ni'auepo'o and Christ being prophesied and expected by the Jewish people to come to them, but then he is not recognized when he does appear and they kill him. Just as Christ, Ni'auepo'o is resurrected and comes back to his people and no doubt, there was a period of where his people came to the realizsation that not only was it him that came, but that he returned after death; just like how over the centuries some Jews have come to the realization that the one early Jewish people killed is who he said he was. In that way, the Legend of Ni'auepo'o can be used as an allegory for the prophesies of Christ, his persecution when he declares himself, his death and resurrection.

What role does this particular legend play in convincing Hawaiians of Christ? It may actually dissuade more than convince if one views the story of Christ as a more modern substitute for an ancient legend. As Christianity is famous for superimposing Christian rites and beliefs over earlier cultural beliefs and practices, could this not be one more example?

If one were to consider the perspective here, this could be an example of how the gospel was known from the beginning and that ancient peoples the world over knew the stories and prophesies, and those stories became the legends of ancient cultures, with words and names in their own language and cultural practices that were familiar to their locale, climate and food system.

There are other concepts that can be learned from this legend, specifically Ni'auepo'o's mother as a strong female character who has a strong relationship with deity and power to invoke and enact magic/miracles. There are likely other concepts present in the legend as well and its a good example of how simple stories--this one is simple enough that my little boy would likely enjoy it--can veil powerful cultural and spiritual truths.

Connecting with the Sacred Feminine

The world of feminist Mormons has been provoking me lately. At The Exponent there has been some recent discussion/critiques of mainstream LDS theology and practice over the lack of information regarding Heavenly Mother.

The two most explicit references to Heavenly Mother are found is The Family: A Proclamation to the World and the hymn Oh My Father.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents,

In the heav’ns are parents single?
No, the thought makes reason stare!
Truth is reason; truth eternal
Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,
When I lay this mortal by,
Father, Mother, may I meet you
In your royal courts on high?
Then, at length, when I’ve completed
All you sent me forth to do,
With your mutual approbation
Let me come and dwell with you.

Beyond that I haven't seen or read much on the topic of Heavenly Mother. She has been a topic of conversation frequently but all of it must remain speculation without more authoritative information.

I enjoy the speculation so I posted a response to this blog entry which speculates on why Latter-day Saints are not "allowed" to pray to Heavenly Mother. The comments are thought provoking and interesting.

Here is my response:

The speculation that my husband and I favor is that yes, each of us has a Heavenly Mother, but we all don’t have the same one. If polygamy is an eternal law, and one is trying to maximize reproduction of even spirit children, it stands to reason that Heavenly Father has multiple wives to whom he is sealed.
Also, on the ability to connect with our specific Heavenly Mother whether she is one of many or just one, I found comfort in a quote from Joseph Smith (of course, I can’t find the specific quote at this time) where he described it being okay to talk to beings who are not on this earth (living or dead).
After the death of a number of people close to me, I found myself turning in my prayers from a prayer to Heavenly Father, to a conversation with a loved one. I never knew if it was “right” or not, but its what I felt impressed to do. I got confirmation of that after reading the quote I’m referencing. It was okay to talk to the dead, knowing that they can listen and know what our hearts and spirits want them to know. If it can work for deceased loved ones and friends, why wouldn’t it work to talk to our Mother in Heaven?
Its not a prayer because prayer requires worship. When I talk to my father who is deceased, I’m not worshiping him but talking to him as if he were still here. My worship still squarely focuses on the God who I’m commanded and covenanted to worship.

The question that still remains for me is the appropriateness of worshipping a being other than my Father in Heaven (see my post on his perfect mothering attributes here). I will also try to unearth that quote. I think it might be recorded in my journal but journals don't have nifty search features (hence why I switched to a blog).

I had similar thoughts about my connection with Jesus. I have such a strong belief and connection to God the Father because I talk to him all the time. I feel like I know him through my prayers and the answers from the Spirit I have gotten in response to those prayers, and from priesthood blessings. Jesus, on the other hand, I do not pray to but he is my brother and my Savior. He knows me in such a perfect way because of the atonement. He knows all of my suffering and sorrow. Heavenly Father knows me perfectly but Jesus knows me too. I want to feel that I know him like I know Heavenly Father as well and by extension how I would also like to know my Mother in Heaven.

Celebrating the Birth, Life, Death and Resurrection of Christ

Historical accounts widely accept that it is very unlikely that Christ was born on December 25. There is much discussion and writings into why this is, which I'm not going to include here. At this point, I'm relying on teachings that I have learned aurally in the past.

From what I was taught, Christmas was placed on December 25 in an attempt by the leaders of the early Christian religion to eclipse the pagan holiday celebrations of the Winter Solstice. This is evidenced by the many pagan traditions that have become part of the Christian celebration of the holiday. But when scholars have looked to corroborate the date of Christ's birth, they find that it was randomly placed there. Historical records from the time point to other times of the year. The one that I have learned about with most certainty would be in early Spring time as it coincides with the time of year when Galilee was taxed (remember that the reason why Mary and Joseph were traveling was because law decreed that they must go and be taxed). Also from what I've learned, the solar eclipse that was reported around the time of his birth occurred in Spring rather than midwinter.

Most modern Christian churches recognize that Christmas is not truly Christ's birthday, and continue to believe that they cannot know the true date of his birth without it being revealed by God, which in their belief will not occur until after death and being reunited with God. I have heard my Protestant Christian friends say its one of their questions on their list to ask God when they get there--meaning to his presence. Contrast that belief to teachings of the LDS Church which teach that the answer to that unknowable question has been revealed through revelation to modern-day prophets.

The scriptural citation to evidence the actual day of Christ's birthday can be found in Doctrine and Covenants 20:1

THE rise of the Church of Christ in these last days, being one thousand eight hundred and thirty years since the coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in the flesh, it being regularly organized and established agreeable to the laws of our country, by the will and commandments of God, in the fourth month, and on the sixth day of the month which is called April—

That verse teaches that the LDS Church was officially organized on April 6, 1830 and that day happened to correspond to the birth of Jesus Christ. Later a prophet of the early restored church stated:

"As to the season of the year in which Christ was born, there is among the learned as great a diversity of opinion as that relating to the year itself. It is claimed by many Biblical scholars that December 25th, the day celebrated in Christendom as Christmas, cannot be the correct date. We believe April 6th to be the birthday of Jesus Christ as indicated in a revelation of the present dispensation already cited in which that day is made without qualification the completion of the one thousand eight hundred and thirtieth year since the coming of the Lord in the flesh. This acceptance is admittedly based on faith in modern revelation, and in no wise is set forth as the result of chronological research or analysis. We believe that Jesus Christ was born in Bethlehem of Judea, April 6, 1 B.C." 7 Online source

Even though this is believed to be true by LDS people, that date offers some inconveniences for celebrations. It is the day of the organization of the Church, every few years coincides with the semiannual General Conference of the church, sometimes Easter or the celebrations of his death and resurrection. Its certainly easier to celebrate his birth on a different day than the "true" one. And while LDS people strive to be a "peculiar people" they don't aim to be so peculiar as to move their Christmas celebrations to April.

Except maybe me.

I'm still undecided but I feel very odd celebrating Christmas in December knowing all the pagentry is a sham. The intent and heartfelt devotion may be genuine so much to the point that it doesn't matter when the holiday is celebrated, but I find it feels hallow to me.

This year on April 6, my two year old heard me mention to my husband that day was Jesus's birthday. The toddler's next request was to watch a video of Jesus. That was the first time he had requested that, but he knows all about watching videos of cars and animals, so why not about Jesus? Thankfully we did have videos produced by the Church in our video library. The one I could find easiest was called The Nativity which depicts the events surrounding Christ's birth. I was very excited to be able to share the story of Christ's birth with my young child on Christ's birthday.

That is how we celebrated April 6 this year, and maybe it will be a family tradition. I think that I would certainly like it.

Alternate Ending to the First Vision

As a teenager I came to the same point when Joseph Smith prayed to know which church was true and which he should join. I started with the same course as he: I began learning about the different churches that I might join if I were to find the truth there. I visited my friend's churches, my grandparent's churches and I read the history of world religions. I spent 3 years with this as an intellectual pursuit where I attempted to have an open mind and be able to recognize the truth when I found it.

Through that search--what the Unitarians would call a "search for truth and meaning" I learned many valuable lessons about what I wanted to see in a church before I felt it could be the possessor of what is true. A short list includes:

1)prophets
2)modern-day revelation
3)God's authority to act in His name
4)opportunities for those who have never heard of the church to be redeemed
5)justice and accountablity as well as mercy for all people
6)families that could be reunited after death
7)freedom from pain and hurt after this life is over
8)the afterlife is not as black and white as heaven and hell

I honestly beleived, with how advanced our society is, and how long people have been on this earth that the truth must exist, that out of all the thousands of organizaed religions in the world, one of them must be true. So when I didn't find what I was looking for, I kept looking. Although I did give up my search of churches when I decided I would become a Unitarian Universalist reverend to dedicate my life to that search for truth.

That decision had been hasty because I hadn't investigated all of the religions in the world. At some point, I had written off all Christian churches because none of them had what I was looking for. That was before I was introduced to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

It has what I was looking for and more. I was overjoyed to have the opportunity to learn about it which I did. I spent 10 months meeting with the missionaries regularly to learn about the Lord's church on the earth today, that it was restored and revealed by Him through prophets, not pieced together by groups of men.

I abandoned my goal of becoming a Unitarian minister, needless to say when I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

As I pondered these events and how there were some similarities to Joseph Smith's first prayer on the subject of which church to join. I wondered what would he have done if the answer he had gone had been "none of them" and it was left at that. If the Lord hadn't then revealed to him that Joseph would become the first prophet of the restored church of Jesus Christ. And what would I have done if I had prayed to know if that Church of Jesus Chirst of Latter-day Saints was true and felt that it wasn't?

At that time in my life, I would have despaired. I was already despairing over the death of my father who made my questions concerning religion all that more poignant. Where was he? Would I see him again? Was he free from life's afflictions? At some point, I felt that the LDS church was the end of the line for me. Either it was true or it was not, and if it was not I didn't want to imagine life without it. The answers to my questions provided by the doctrines of the LDS church made so much sense to me that it couldn't not be true.

I'm sure the more pragmatic side of me would have continued my spiritual quest for truth, that I would have pursued my doctorate in divinity from one of the UU theology schools. But how grateful I am that I didn't have to. How grateful I am to know, through the verfication of the Lord's Spirit that the church is true, that Joseph Smith really was the first prophet of the restored church of Jesus Christ and that Christ really is who he says he is.

How I Came to Be Jenneology

I was introduced to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints through my dad. He was a substitute teacher in the local school system and was told by one of his students about a show for a performing company for children and teenagers. I was hesitant to go because earlier that year my dad and I had had a falling out. I knew that this was his attempt at reconciliation. I am so glad that I went to that performance. I knew that I wanted to join the company and dance on stage with them. A few months later, I joined the group and found that the director, producer and many of the performers were LDS. At that point in my life, I was atheist attending the Unitarian Universalist Church so it was very difficult for me to comprehend my dad's death from a car accident just 6 weeks after joining the company. I became depressed, despondent and spent a year barely living each week. But I was in the perfect place to get my questions answered and to receive the consolation that I desperately needed. I needed to know that I would see my dad again, that the end of this life is not the end of existence and how I could be with my dad again. I started asking members of the performing company about the LDS views on the afterlife and the purpose of this life. A family gave me a copy of M. Russel Ballard's book "Our Search for Happiness." After reading it, I knew that I had to learn more. I started attending church and meeting with the missionaries. I prayed to know that God was real and received the sweet assurance from the Spirit that God knows and loves me. I was taught that I could be with my dad forever through the ordinances of the priesthood in the temple. I found that the gospel of Jesus Christ encompasses all truth and beauty found in this world and that my search for truth and meaning brought me to the true Church of God on the earth. In October of 2001, I was baptized. At the time of my baptism I felt that the following scriptures described how I felt:

Rev. 21:4-5
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things anew. And he said unto me, write: for these words are true and faithful."

I felt new that I had started a new life and that the gospel has turned the pain of losing my dad into joy. My tears had been wiped away and I knew that I would never have to think that death was the end of existence again.

Because of my depression, I felt like Alma has he described his conversion story in Mosiah 27:28-29:

"Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God.

29 My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more."

Since my baptism six years ago, I have experienced great joy as I attended Institute, studied the scriptures and learned the deeper doctrine of the gospel and had my unending questions answered. In 2002, when attending my high school graduation, I happened to sit next to a friend of mine who hadn't seen me since before I joined the church. After talking for awhile, she asked me "What happened to you? When we were hanging out you were always so sad but now you are so happy." I couldn't not explain to her the change that had taken place in my life so I told her about the gospel and my conversion. She was interested in knowing more so I invited her to Institute for a fireside. She started attending Church and I was privileged to work with the missionaries in teaching her the doctrines of the church. She was baptized 364 days after me.

I also had the joy of being guided to attend BYU in Provo where 3 weeks after I transferred there as a junior, I met the man who became my husband. I remember the overwhelming joy I experienced as I waited in the dressing room of the Salt Lake Temple to be sealed to him and I fell to my knees overcome with joy. We are now expecting our first baby who is due to be born in a few short months. The happiness I've known being married to Peter surpasses any previous happiness I've known.

One of the activities of the church that has brought the greatest amount of joy in my life is doing the temple work for my family members who have passed away. A few months after my baptism and on my first trip to the temple to do baptisms for the dead, I witness the proxy baptism for my dad and felt the assurance of the gospel that he had accepted those ordinances. I felt the same joyous assurance when I completed the work for my grandmother who passed away a few months after my dad. I didn't know how she would receive those ordinances but I knew because of the feelings of the Spirit that I experienced that she accepted those ordinances. Since those experiences, I've felt strongly compelled to work on my family history and I thoroughly enjoy the spirit of Elijah in my life as I excitedly find new information.

I have experienced some disappointments and losses since joining the church but I don't experience the same degree of fatalistic despair that I knew before being changed by the gospel. My mother has yet to join the church and it has been a struggle for me to wait patiently for her to find that the time is right. One of the most bittersweet experiences I've ever encountered was when she told in a Christmas letter a few years ago to "Keep trying." In 2006, four years after my baptism, my mom and I watched my grandmother slowly pass away after a debilitating stroke. But this time, I wasn't plunged into the same confusion and darkness as when I lost my dad. I had the sweet assurance of the gospel to comfort me so I knew that she was free from the bondage that her body had been subjected to.

In 2007, our first child was born. We have had great joy watching him develop and learn new things. But the happy event of his birth was marred by a traumatic and abusive birth environment. While adjusting to motherhood, I struggled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder caused by inappropriate treatment by hospital staff. But the love I felt for my child from God and my husband was enough to give me strength. I have been chronicling my struggle with that on my
birth advocacy blog .

I share these struggles to show that although I feel I was give a new life with my baptism, I still suffer the pains and sorrows of life. I still have faced death. But my life as a member of the LDS church and my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, gives me hope that someday, after this life, I will know the peace and joy John described in Revelations.