Bearing Testimony (Everything can be fit into one testimony meeting)

I know that the Spirit communicates to me and it has taught me many truths of the gospel. I have been able to, in many circumstances from doctrinal questions, to personal conversion to life's trials and decisions, find answers to my prayers and knowledge that I could not get from any other source. Having grown up not knowing that the Spirit could lead me, I have such an appreciation for some of the ambiguity of life to be taken away from me and the existential despair that sometimes accompanied it.
A list of testimonies that I've received through personal revelation in the last 10 years since my conversion:
That God exists. This one was huge for me and I cannot deny the spiritual confirmation I received the first time I sincerely asked with faith.
That peoples' spirits live on after death.
That Christ knows my pain, suffering and sadness.
That Christ has carried me through hardship.
That the Book of Mormon fulfills prophecy of another record testifying of Christ, it teaches true doctrine.
That Joseph Smith was a prophet.
That the First Vision actually happened.
That there is a prophet on the earth today.
That my Father in Heaven hears my prayers.
That God is my Father. When I felt like I was fatherless, he reminded me that I have a perfect Father who will teach me and love me better than any earthly father could.
That I lived with God before I was born. There is something eternal about my spirit and it will continue to exist after my physical body dies. This is the reality of life. Its been obscured by the veil, by tradition and culture but it is the truest thing in the world and it is what this world is founded on.
That my little brother (stillborn at 38 weeks) lives and will be part of our family in the afterlife even though official church doctrine does not say one way or the other.
That people who have died can and do accept vicarious temple work that has been performed for them and I have felt that confirmation for family members personally.
That I will meet my ancestors one day.
That music is a form of communication with the divine.
That dance is another form.
That knowledge and truth can be found in a great diversity of places and God glories in it all.
That there is good to be found in people everywhere and that to a great degree their religion doesn't matter. He loves them and has a plan for them and it is not my duty to interfere with that plan. In my mother's case, it is not right for me to push her in the direction of baptism and its been hinted to me that it will be years before it occurs and that is the way Heavenly Father needs it to be for some reason.
That the church was established by God to carry out his work on the earth.
That one day all pain, suffering, sadness, sickness, poverty and injustice will end.
That Heavenly Father wanted me to marry my husband. He even told me the time and the place through the Spirit.
That Heavenly Father revealed to me when we were supposed to try to conceive our first child.
That years before I even knew I wanted to go to graduate school (and before I was baptized), I had a strong spiritual impression that I would go to school in Hawaii and when I was accepted into grad school there, I had it confirmed again. And then again and again throughout my program that I was supposed to be doing it even though it was the exception to the rule of Mormon culture.
That Heavenly Father intends me to be an exception to the rule when it comes to women's roles in the Church. I am supposed to continue my education, supposed to be involved in professional pursuits and that at some point, when it is revealed to me that the time is right, I will be expected to work outside the home.
That Heavenly Father is concerned about women's roles and duties in the church and that he supports and sustains the efforts of individual members to seek change in current policies and practices.
That I have the capability to become a creator of worlds like Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. (Therefore I know the Heavenly Mother is real too).
That someday all that is unclear, confusing, ambiguous, not revealed, lost or hidden will be made available to the understanding of Heavenly Father's spirits. There will be great learning that goes on in the afterlife.
That it doesn't matter so much who you are sealed to as long as you are sealed. And it doesn't so much matter if that sealing can't happen in this life because it can be worked out in the next.
That all will fall into place. All be will clear and known. There are going to be visions of history as it really was and the full weight of accountability will rest upon the shoulders of those who have hurt, damaged or dammed our progress.
That our bodies and minds will be made whole, complete and healthy after we die.
That we are given great treasures of knowledge on this earth to assist us in being healthy.
That science can teach and inspire us and when science is silent, God can reveal where to turn next. Science and the spirit work together in ways that are wonderful and only barely understood.
That God can tell a person what will happen in their future when asked what the outcome will be of a certain decision and in doing so can either confirm the rightness of that decision or lead you to the right decision.
That God can be near when He is needed.
That God will give space for people to learn and grow and decide for themselves and he will sometimes remain silent to "see what little squirt can do." As we become more spiritually mature, he expects us be more independent and take the initiative to figure things out for ourselves using the correct principles we've learned to guide us.
That he expects us to treat our bodies according to how our biology is designed, with few exceptions.
That God wants us to be empathetic, understanding, respectful and loving to all people and to help them according to their wants and needs in ways that will actually help them and in order to determine what that is, he expects us to be sensitive to the Spirit in being led to figure out what those wants and needs are.
That he wants us to find the balance between relying on ourselves, on external forces, influences, people and on him to be functioning, capable and competent souls.
That there is an oppositional force in this world that fights against all that is good and right and true and for whatever reason that force is necessary and the lessons we learn in thwarting that evil influence makes us stronger.
That the world is in a fallen state, separate from God and therefore not free from natural, random, chaotic failures in nature's processes. It is not God's will but natural laws that he is also subject to.

I know that's alot and some of it may appear cookie cutter, but please believe me that what I have learned have come through sacred spiritual experiences. It goes beyond "I know because I've been taught" but to "I know because I've felt in my body and spirit that its true" and "Because Heavenly Father clearly told me though the Spirit that it is true." I love the gospel. I love its richness, depth, universality. I love that we are not overwhelmed at one time with all the information/truth/knowledge about this world and I accept that the world has not been given as much information as some are ready and are yearning for. I am trying to patient to have my further questions answered knowing that in some cases the world and perhaps many in the church are not ready to know the truth. I have tremendous respect for our Father in Heaven who knows what we as individual and we as a collective spiritual family need and how he weighs that all out is amazing. I know I can trust him and that someday everything will be made right, and until then he wants us, in the ways we are able, work to make everything right for ourselves, our families and for others.

Harmony and Healing

Be in harmony;
a musical resonance in tune with all that is.
No willing or desiring of particulars
fixated on illusions separate from the flow of life.
Finding this resonance in whatever circumstance we find ourselves in.
Tuning to our adversary,
in accord with those who offend
Not to simply give in and let them have their way.
Confronting the adversary without adding to and provoking new violence.
Skillfully allowing their violence to pass through us.
Without allowing the poison of their intent to contaminate.
To awaken a consciousness within them of their own trouble.
Turning the other cheek to those who strike.
The other cheek
To offer the same would be masochism, weak acquiescence.
Instead, offering new and unexpected oppostion,
standing our ground,
refusing to be a preditable object;
one that is acted upon.
Willing to face the unavoidable friction and conflict.

Where is the harmony? Is it possible when each attempt end in conflict?
First, we must be in harmony with ourselves.
The first possibility to be in harmony with others is to be in harmony with all aspects of ourselves.
Spirit
Mind
Will
and
Body.
No aspect claiming superiority over another,
integrating instead of dominating.
When finding ourselves out of balance within ourselves,
not seeking indulgence, justification or self-blame.
Acknowledging inner discord: fear, panic and hurt,
then finding inspiration
through the manifestations of peace that in within ourselves;
given by the Spirit of love ebbing throughout the universe
Seeking that integration of all part of our whole, leaving nothing out.

Then once again, turning to attune the vibrations of our souls with the souls of those around us.
Finding the strength to balance and be reconciled.
To be in harmony with ourselves before trying to harmonize with the world.


This poem was insprired by a commentary written by Jean-Yves LeLoup, translator of the Gospel of Mary Magdalene into French and then English. His insights into the text of this gnostic gospel turned my thoughts to the discordant environment I found myself in when I was pregnant with my child. My prenatal care, labor support and birth experience created an adversarial environment between my health and my baby's well-being, where I sought to do what the gospels say: "Be in harmony;" "Be reconciled to thy brother;" "And unto him that smiteth thee on one cheek, offer also the other." I struggle to apply these concepts to my birthing experience, feeling that doing any other that fighting would have further traumatized and damaged me. But then to realize that through standing my ground and not being "an object to be acted upon," that I was turning the other cheek as instructed by the Savior.

At the same time I realized that I was not fully in harmony with myself going into birthing my child. I failed to integrate two important aspects of my being: intellectual preparation and spiritual reliance. Why was I shocked at the care I received at the hospital? I did not take the time to read what the maternity care system is like in the US. Knowing what I know now from my crusade as a birth activist could have prevented the heartache I experienced because I probably would have made different choices regarding the care providers I worked with. Also, I went into labor trusting my body and surrenduring to the natural process of birth. I only acknowledged the aspect of will and body in my being, but left out the spirit. Once again I didn't take the time to do what was necessary: to turn to my God who gave me life, the life that is my own and the life of my unborn child. I failed to "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." If I had done so, I would have been more prepared and stronger in facing the birthing environment and care providers there.

How I Came to Be Jenneology

I was introduced to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints through my dad. He was a substitute teacher in the local school system and was told by one of his students about a show for a performing company for children and teenagers. I was hesitant to go because earlier that year my dad and I had had a falling out. I knew that this was his attempt at reconciliation. I am so glad that I went to that performance. I knew that I wanted to join the company and dance on stage with them. A few months later, I joined the group and found that the director, producer and many of the performers were LDS. At that point in my life, I was atheist attending the Unitarian Universalist Church so it was very difficult for me to comprehend my dad's death from a car accident just 6 weeks after joining the company. I became depressed, despondent and spent a year barely living each week. But I was in the perfect place to get my questions answered and to receive the consolation that I desperately needed. I needed to know that I would see my dad again, that the end of this life is not the end of existence and how I could be with my dad again. I started asking members of the performing company about the LDS views on the afterlife and the purpose of this life. A family gave me a copy of M. Russel Ballard's book "Our Search for Happiness." After reading it, I knew that I had to learn more. I started attending church and meeting with the missionaries. I prayed to know that God was real and received the sweet assurance from the Spirit that God knows and loves me. I was taught that I could be with my dad forever through the ordinances of the priesthood in the temple. I found that the gospel of Jesus Christ encompasses all truth and beauty found in this world and that my search for truth and meaning brought me to the true Church of God on the earth. In October of 2001, I was baptized. At the time of my baptism I felt that the following scriptures described how I felt:

Rev. 21:4-5
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things anew. And he said unto me, write: for these words are true and faithful."

I felt new that I had started a new life and that the gospel has turned the pain of losing my dad into joy. My tears had been wiped away and I knew that I would never have to think that death was the end of existence again.

Because of my depression, I felt like Alma has he described his conversion story in Mosiah 27:28-29:

"Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God.

29 My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more."

Since my baptism six years ago, I have experienced great joy as I attended Institute, studied the scriptures and learned the deeper doctrine of the gospel and had my unending questions answered. In 2002, when attending my high school graduation, I happened to sit next to a friend of mine who hadn't seen me since before I joined the church. After talking for awhile, she asked me "What happened to you? When we were hanging out you were always so sad but now you are so happy." I couldn't not explain to her the change that had taken place in my life so I told her about the gospel and my conversion. She was interested in knowing more so I invited her to Institute for a fireside. She started attending Church and I was privileged to work with the missionaries in teaching her the doctrines of the church. She was baptized 364 days after me.

I also had the joy of being guided to attend BYU in Provo where 3 weeks after I transferred there as a junior, I met the man who became my husband. I remember the overwhelming joy I experienced as I waited in the dressing room of the Salt Lake Temple to be sealed to him and I fell to my knees overcome with joy. We are now expecting our first baby who is due to be born in a few short months. The happiness I've known being married to Peter surpasses any previous happiness I've known.

One of the activities of the church that has brought the greatest amount of joy in my life is doing the temple work for my family members who have passed away. A few months after my baptism and on my first trip to the temple to do baptisms for the dead, I witness the proxy baptism for my dad and felt the assurance of the gospel that he had accepted those ordinances. I felt the same joyous assurance when I completed the work for my grandmother who passed away a few months after my dad. I didn't know how she would receive those ordinances but I knew because of the feelings of the Spirit that I experienced that she accepted those ordinances. Since those experiences, I've felt strongly compelled to work on my family history and I thoroughly enjoy the spirit of Elijah in my life as I excitedly find new information.

I have experienced some disappointments and losses since joining the church but I don't experience the same degree of fatalistic despair that I knew before being changed by the gospel. My mother has yet to join the church and it has been a struggle for me to wait patiently for her to find that the time is right. One of the most bittersweet experiences I've ever encountered was when she told in a Christmas letter a few years ago to "Keep trying." In 2006, four years after my baptism, my mom and I watched my grandmother slowly pass away after a debilitating stroke. But this time, I wasn't plunged into the same confusion and darkness as when I lost my dad. I had the sweet assurance of the gospel to comfort me so I knew that she was free from the bondage that her body had been subjected to.

In 2007, our first child was born. We have had great joy watching him develop and learn new things. But the happy event of his birth was marred by a traumatic and abusive birth environment. While adjusting to motherhood, I struggled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder caused by inappropriate treatment by hospital staff. But the love I felt for my child from God and my husband was enough to give me strength. I have been chronicling my struggle with that on my
birth advocacy blog .

I share these struggles to show that although I feel I was give a new life with my baptism, I still suffer the pains and sorrows of life. I still have faced death. But my life as a member of the LDS church and my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, gives me hope that someday, after this life, I will know the peace and joy John described in Revelations.