Alternate Ending to the First Vision

As a teenager I came to the same point when Joseph Smith prayed to know which church was true and which he should join. I started with the same course as he: I began learning about the different churches that I might join if I were to find the truth there. I visited my friend's churches, my grandparent's churches and I read the history of world religions. I spent 3 years with this as an intellectual pursuit where I attempted to have an open mind and be able to recognize the truth when I found it.

Through that search--what the Unitarians would call a "search for truth and meaning" I learned many valuable lessons about what I wanted to see in a church before I felt it could be the possessor of what is true. A short list includes:

1)prophets
2)modern-day revelation
3)God's authority to act in His name
4)opportunities for those who have never heard of the church to be redeemed
5)justice and accountablity as well as mercy for all people
6)families that could be reunited after death
7)freedom from pain and hurt after this life is over
8)the afterlife is not as black and white as heaven and hell

I honestly beleived, with how advanced our society is, and how long people have been on this earth that the truth must exist, that out of all the thousands of organizaed religions in the world, one of them must be true. So when I didn't find what I was looking for, I kept looking. Although I did give up my search of churches when I decided I would become a Unitarian Universalist reverend to dedicate my life to that search for truth.

That decision had been hasty because I hadn't investigated all of the religions in the world. At some point, I had written off all Christian churches because none of them had what I was looking for. That was before I was introduced to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

It has what I was looking for and more. I was overjoyed to have the opportunity to learn about it which I did. I spent 10 months meeting with the missionaries regularly to learn about the Lord's church on the earth today, that it was restored and revealed by Him through prophets, not pieced together by groups of men.

I abandoned my goal of becoming a Unitarian minister, needless to say when I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

As I pondered these events and how there were some similarities to Joseph Smith's first prayer on the subject of which church to join. I wondered what would he have done if the answer he had gone had been "none of them" and it was left at that. If the Lord hadn't then revealed to him that Joseph would become the first prophet of the restored church of Jesus Christ. And what would I have done if I had prayed to know if that Church of Jesus Chirst of Latter-day Saints was true and felt that it wasn't?

At that time in my life, I would have despaired. I was already despairing over the death of my father who made my questions concerning religion all that more poignant. Where was he? Would I see him again? Was he free from life's afflictions? At some point, I felt that the LDS church was the end of the line for me. Either it was true or it was not, and if it was not I didn't want to imagine life without it. The answers to my questions provided by the doctrines of the LDS church made so much sense to me that it couldn't not be true.

I'm sure the more pragmatic side of me would have continued my spiritual quest for truth, that I would have pursued my doctorate in divinity from one of the UU theology schools. But how grateful I am that I didn't have to. How grateful I am to know, through the verfication of the Lord's Spirit that the church is true, that Joseph Smith really was the first prophet of the restored church of Jesus Christ and that Christ really is who he says he is.

How I Came to Be Jenneology

I was introduced to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints through my dad. He was a substitute teacher in the local school system and was told by one of his students about a show for a performing company for children and teenagers. I was hesitant to go because earlier that year my dad and I had had a falling out. I knew that this was his attempt at reconciliation. I am so glad that I went to that performance. I knew that I wanted to join the company and dance on stage with them. A few months later, I joined the group and found that the director, producer and many of the performers were LDS. At that point in my life, I was atheist attending the Unitarian Universalist Church so it was very difficult for me to comprehend my dad's death from a car accident just 6 weeks after joining the company. I became depressed, despondent and spent a year barely living each week. But I was in the perfect place to get my questions answered and to receive the consolation that I desperately needed. I needed to know that I would see my dad again, that the end of this life is not the end of existence and how I could be with my dad again. I started asking members of the performing company about the LDS views on the afterlife and the purpose of this life. A family gave me a copy of M. Russel Ballard's book "Our Search for Happiness." After reading it, I knew that I had to learn more. I started attending church and meeting with the missionaries. I prayed to know that God was real and received the sweet assurance from the Spirit that God knows and loves me. I was taught that I could be with my dad forever through the ordinances of the priesthood in the temple. I found that the gospel of Jesus Christ encompasses all truth and beauty found in this world and that my search for truth and meaning brought me to the true Church of God on the earth. In October of 2001, I was baptized. At the time of my baptism I felt that the following scriptures described how I felt:

Rev. 21:4-5
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things anew. And he said unto me, write: for these words are true and faithful."

I felt new that I had started a new life and that the gospel has turned the pain of losing my dad into joy. My tears had been wiped away and I knew that I would never have to think that death was the end of existence again.

Because of my depression, I felt like Alma has he described his conversion story in Mosiah 27:28-29:

"Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God.

29 My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more."

Since my baptism six years ago, I have experienced great joy as I attended Institute, studied the scriptures and learned the deeper doctrine of the gospel and had my unending questions answered. In 2002, when attending my high school graduation, I happened to sit next to a friend of mine who hadn't seen me since before I joined the church. After talking for awhile, she asked me "What happened to you? When we were hanging out you were always so sad but now you are so happy." I couldn't not explain to her the change that had taken place in my life so I told her about the gospel and my conversion. She was interested in knowing more so I invited her to Institute for a fireside. She started attending Church and I was privileged to work with the missionaries in teaching her the doctrines of the church. She was baptized 364 days after me.

I also had the joy of being guided to attend BYU in Provo where 3 weeks after I transferred there as a junior, I met the man who became my husband. I remember the overwhelming joy I experienced as I waited in the dressing room of the Salt Lake Temple to be sealed to him and I fell to my knees overcome with joy. We are now expecting our first baby who is due to be born in a few short months. The happiness I've known being married to Peter surpasses any previous happiness I've known.

One of the activities of the church that has brought the greatest amount of joy in my life is doing the temple work for my family members who have passed away. A few months after my baptism and on my first trip to the temple to do baptisms for the dead, I witness the proxy baptism for my dad and felt the assurance of the gospel that he had accepted those ordinances. I felt the same joyous assurance when I completed the work for my grandmother who passed away a few months after my dad. I didn't know how she would receive those ordinances but I knew because of the feelings of the Spirit that I experienced that she accepted those ordinances. Since those experiences, I've felt strongly compelled to work on my family history and I thoroughly enjoy the spirit of Elijah in my life as I excitedly find new information.

I have experienced some disappointments and losses since joining the church but I don't experience the same degree of fatalistic despair that I knew before being changed by the gospel. My mother has yet to join the church and it has been a struggle for me to wait patiently for her to find that the time is right. One of the most bittersweet experiences I've ever encountered was when she told in a Christmas letter a few years ago to "Keep trying." In 2006, four years after my baptism, my mom and I watched my grandmother slowly pass away after a debilitating stroke. But this time, I wasn't plunged into the same confusion and darkness as when I lost my dad. I had the sweet assurance of the gospel to comfort me so I knew that she was free from the bondage that her body had been subjected to.

In 2007, our first child was born. We have had great joy watching him develop and learn new things. But the happy event of his birth was marred by a traumatic and abusive birth environment. While adjusting to motherhood, I struggled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder caused by inappropriate treatment by hospital staff. But the love I felt for my child from God and my husband was enough to give me strength. I have been chronicling my struggle with that on my
birth advocacy blog .

I share these struggles to show that although I feel I was give a new life with my baptism, I still suffer the pains and sorrows of life. I still have faced death. But my life as a member of the LDS church and my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, gives me hope that someday, after this life, I will know the peace and joy John described in Revelations.